have you ever wish or thought of leaving everything behind to travel and work in a foreign land for about a year to experience what its like to live independently....? a far fetched goal? Hmm....

there's numbness and frustration behind this fake smile. hoping for a better future ahead. May 2011 bring more happiness and meaningness to this hollow and unfulfill life.

Exhausted. sick. restless. irritated. frustrated.

did i deserve to be surround by such great and wonderful friends?

"what is this miserable feeling?"

i.miss.my.friend.

Okaeri by Ayaka
(English translation by: crystalise)


On the way to my sweet home, I can already hear the words, “You’re home!”
I am returning to the place that gave me the love that I am so thankful for.

Blotting out my sadness and painting a smile on my face,
I pretend as if everything is alright.
I admit that although I can understand the importance of belief,
It is in the most critical of moments that I doubt myself.

And though this empty body of mine seems to
Almost float through the passage of time,
There is this feeling that always carries me forward:
The feeling of longing to hold you in my arms.

Before I could even say, “I’m home!” I could already hear, “You’re back!”
Those very words are enough to cause my heart to brim over.
Returning to my sweet home, I could already hear the words, “You’re home!”
I am returning to the place that blessed me with a love that I am forever grateful for:
My sweet home.

I truly believe that those
Who only keep their own interests at heart are characters of deceit;
But I also know that there are those
Who are desperately crying out for change.

Because of you, I have come to appreciate that
There is no such thing as an ordinary happiness in this world...
And it is this knowledge that continues to drive me forward.

Before I could even call out, “I’m home!” I can already hear, “You’re back!”
In this continued acceleration of everyday life...
I could hear the words, “You’re home!” echoing from my sweet home,
And therein lays a scene that remains eternally unchanging,
There in my sweet home.

Having searched and having lost,
There are emotional wounds that I have to face.
It was in the power of those simple words
That I drew my strength: the words, “You’re home.”

Already I can hear them say, “You’re back!” Before I could enter, “I’m home!”
Indeed, their words are more than enough to fill my heart over.
Returning to the sweetness of home, I can already hear, “You’re home!”
I’m heading back to the place where I owe my debt of gratitude for the love it bestowed
upon me:
My sweet home.

I can already hear the words, “You’re home!” As I dream of replying, “I’m home!”
Everything is truly alright now because you are there.
On my way home, I could already hear the words, “You’re back!”
Wait for me, I’ll be soon arriving,
My sweet, sweet home.

A beautifully written song by the talented Japanese singer, Lida Ayaka.

3 years...exactly 3 years ago...i never thought i would lose a person whom matter to me most. 3 years ago, 6th December 2005...i never thought i would lose someone who's been in my life throughout my 19 yrs of life...3 years ago...i have never ever thought that i would lose my father at such a young age. It's been 3 years...and yet i still miss him. The man who pampered me endlessly, who showered me with endless love, who got me everything i ever wanted, passed away peacefully while in a coma state. I wasnt there when he leave us. Sadly, i was in school. I miss him. I really miss him.

And yet now..exactly a week ago, 17th December 2008..my dearest, closest aunt passed away. Another huge blow. Tears did not fall till i saw my mum crying uncontrollably. I feel her pain and her lost. She's lost her close friend..my dad's sister 10 years ago...3 years ago she lost her husband..and now she's lost her older sister...her bestest friend. Only God knows how i felt that day, seeing my mum shed tears of sorrow. No one likes losing their love ones. But we have to accept fate. This is the circle of life. People will die someday and leave their love ones behinds. However sadness will linger..like now. Sadness hungs heavy in the air. I miss her. We all miss her. She will never fade in our memory.

Al-fatihah kepada Hajah Maimunah Bte Kassim.
Al-fatihah kepada Haji Mohamad Bin Haji Mohd Zin.
Semoga roh mereka dicucuri Allah SWT. Amin.

A dream has been fulfilled..and yet i have tons more to go...
Been feeling really happy, excited, elated, joyous, thankful and......well confuse lately.
Happy for obvious reasons...
Confuse for some reasons...shall not elaborate more...




I fondle keys to my heart
When everyone's heart seems so calm
And you found the lock to my dorm
And opened the door to my trust fund, my vestry

Tuna in the Brine - Silverchair

This has always been my favourite lines from Silverchair's song...go figure.

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melody
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This is out fate, I'm yours

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

disappointed
annoyed
frustrated









fuck!

funny..one minute you're laughing heartily..and the next you're crying your hearts out..ever encounter such a turmoil experience before? bet most ppl have.

i guess that's life. "Life is like a rollercoaster" the ever popular, over-used phrase that we all hear occasionally.

sometimes when you're feeling low, you feel as if you're all alone in this dark, unfair little world..BUT when you're feeling high, elated and happy, you feel as if you're the luckiest human being to ever walk on this planet.

funny..one minute you're extremely grateful..and the next you're feeling resentful.

i guess that's what makes us human. We have flaws and faults and make stupid mistakes..but that's what make us human. We're not perfect.

think about it.

How old is Singapore? 43! Happy Birthday Singapore! 43 yrs of independence....how lucky we are to live in this small, sunny little island...(although the living expenses here are getting more and more and more ridiculously EXPENSIVE) *sigh*

Anyway...am loving this new job. No unreasonable-moody-irritating-demanding bosses here. Everyone's been very sweet and nice. A new environment, new colleagues, new tasks...all in all, (cant believe im saying this...) i love my job! ahhh yess!

My old habit kicks in recently. (thanks to bestie). Been reading non-stop, during lunch, dinner, before going to bed and even at work! sheesh! Ever since i left sec sch, my reading days were pratically declining from 1 book per mnth to about 1 book for 6-7 mnths?? It took me THAT long to finish up a book! Last book i've read was Blood and Gold by Anne Rice and that took me practially about 6 mnths to complete! *sigh* pathetic i know. However, ever since i got to know about Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, my reading speedometer increases. I was actually reading another book, Vampire's Secret by Raven Hart (Bestie's book) when i came across Twilight. After reading the summary and watching the movie trailer (yes Hollywood has converted the book into a movie) my interest with Twilight increases. Didnt realised that reading Twilight brought back bittersweet memories of my days in sec sch. Oh how much i miss those days! (right bestie? *grin*) Anyway, i shall wait in pure AGONY until the movie arrives here (25122008).

Anyone interested in Twilight or for other installments of her books can go to Stephenie Meyer's official webpage. (click on her name).

Oh yeah did i mention dat this book is an International Bestseller? Go figure. Toodles!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! HAPPY 2008!!!

wow! time sure pass by really really fast! without u knowing it, it's 2008! *whistle*

my 2007 highlights! -:

1. 23rd May 2007 - Graduation Day!

wohoo!! finally i've obtained a Diploma in Internet Computing and 23rd May 07 (which was a day after me birthday *grin*) marks a really special meaning for me. It's my graduation day! im soo..extremely proud of myself! (well the results wasn't that thrilling..can do better if more effort were put in *sigh*) anyway, i've managed to overcome all those obstacles which i've been through for the past 3 yrs..thanks to all my family and my friends!! i love u all!!

2. 11th December 2007 - My Chemical Romance Concert -- The Max Pavillion @ Singapore Expo!

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!!!!!! need i say more? my first concert ever! the most brilliant! amazing! superb! terrific! fantastic! marvelous! stupendous! concert i've ever seen in my 21 years of life!! the concert was rather short though...1 hr 30mins...it's simply not enough! i want more!! we want more!! come back guys!!

hopefully they'll be back this yr...i shall hold on to what Gerard said.."We'll be back next yr!" (which meant this yr) *wink*

oh! on my previous entry..i did wrote down that some guys in the crowd started throwing balloons right before the concert...hmmm..from what i've read somewhere...it wasnt actually balloons...but condoms! sicko! *sigh* some ppl will do anything just for the sake of entertainment. oh well! adios!

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE CONCERT -- 11 DECEMBER 2007 -- THE MAX PAVILLION @ SINGAPORE EXPO

my goodness! i had a blast last night at the concert! seriously! best one ever! the guys give it their all and the performance was just awesome! brilliant!

lemme recount back wat happened yesterday.

took half-day leave. rush to bestie's home to get her camera (thank u sooooooo much!). went back, rest. got ready. leave hm at abt 5pm. got to Pavillion roughly abt 5.45pm. waited alone...yes im alone! my friend whom im supposed to meet had earlier join the queue and she was way up front. couldnt join here coz the place was quite pack. so yeah..in the end i queue alone. met 2 nice girls and had a chat with them. the waiting time wasnt so bad. the doors open at 7pm so i have only abt an hr plus of waiting time. while waiting, some of the crowds upfront started screaming their heads off as if the band has appeared. this happened a couple of times and it amuses me.

7pm. doors open. so we, us who got those special jumpers (and might i say there were tons of ppl who receive these jumpers...it pisses me off!) were allowed to enter the concert hall 1st. we had to stop at the counter for the security to check our belongings...no cameras allowed but mind u, i totally ignore them and shove bestie's camera inside me bag. *grin* once that was done, we made our way to the hall. there was already a big crowd gathered infront of the stage. i took my place in the center, about 10th row away frm the stage. not a bad spot except that there's 3 tall guys standing right infront of me. *sigh* the waiting time inside the hall was such a pain! i waited in pure agony for the concert to start. by 8.15, the crowd, including me was getting impatient. i got irritated when this dude infront of me kept fidgeting around. he cant stand still! kept on moving and turning, searching for someone at the back. felt like telling him off. but i restrain myself. anyway.. some guys tried to be funny by throwing several balloons up in the air. it was quite hilarious seeing those small balloons actually. helps to kill time. then at about 8.3o or so one of the roadie came out to check on the drum-set. upon seeing him, the crowd went wild. it was soo funny! then another 2 more roadie came out to check on the guitars and microphones and again the crowds went wild. hilarious. we did chant "MCR" but for like only a few seconds before it died off. then, finally after what seems like ages..the lights finally dimmed. everyone went extremely wild! ppl at the back were pushing forwards, crushing us upfront.

9pm was when the concert begins. i was in awe, literally. my mouth was hanging open. astonished by the sight of Gerard, Mikey, Frank and Ray. Bob wasnt there though, still nursing his injured wrist i guess. the scene was amazing! still fresh in my mind. the opening song was "This is How I Disappear". Everyone was jumping along with the song..including mua *grin* however, at the start of the concert, the crowd was uncontrollable. ppl kept on pushing each other up to the point where i almost fell and trampled over this poor girl. her friend told me that i was stepping on her and i apologised for i could not even get up. after 2 songs, Gerard had to stop and told us to listen to what he had to say. "I dont care how fucking crazy you guys are but please help those around you" well he said something like that. He kept on cursing throughout the night. the crowd did tame abit after he made that comment.

i honestly have no idea how many songs the played yesterday. let me try to recount:

1. This is How I Disappear
2. Im Not Okay
3. Helena
4. Mama
5. Teenagers
6. Cancer
7. Sleep
8. Welcome to the Black Parade
9. Desert Song
10. Famous Last Words

hmm...there might be a couple more songs but i seriously cant remember. after "Welcome to the Black Parade" Gerard bid us goodbye. The whole crowd started chanting "Encore! Encore!" well obviously the guys came back and sang 2 more songs, closing with "Famous Last Words". upon that song, the crowd went wild again! *sigh* it was terrible! damn it ppl!

in between those performance, Ray lit up his ciggies and continue rocking on the guitar and on one of the slower song, Frank lit up a lighter and wave it in the air..and Mikey, well he look damn fine with that long hair of his, rockin on his bass. *swoon* Gerard was being himself, cursing and screaming, shaking his hips and whatnot. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

all in all it was a FANTASTIC, AMAZING, BRILLIANT 1 and half hour concert ever! it just seems surreal to me up till this point. i still feel like i was watching a huge, gigantical screen of the band performing, but judging from all those pics and vidz that i took, it was all real! worth my money! it'll be even better if those lunatics could control themselves instead of shoving and pushing ppl who are trying to enjoy the concert as much as possible. assholes! but it's to be expected at a rock concert. *sigh* aite..im out!

Somehow dis week has been an emotional breakdown for me. Not goin to elaborate more.

Last night, while i was goin through my book shelves, i found my journal which i did for a project during my 2nd year in TP. Reading that brings back bitter-sweet memories. Memories which make me wish i could turn back time and experience it all over again. Especially those precious moments i had with my dad. i miss him. miss him so so so very much! not one day that pass by that i did not think of him. though it's been almost 2 yrs but the memories of him is still fresh in my mind. he's a very loving and doting father, very kind, very understanding, a well-respectable man whom many admire, a joker in the family, the man whom pamper me endlessly, the man who loves his family endlessly and will do whatever it takes to protect us. to me, no one can ever take his place. my dad, he's a unique person. he's special. he will not fade in my mind. not now. not ever.

Al-fatihah to Haji Mohamad B Haji Md Zin.
Semoga Allah memcucuri rohnya. Amin.

im thinking of something to write here but my mind is blank. i think its coz today's Friday and im still in the office. the mood to work is long gone follow by the mood to slack off. *sigh* im tired. my bloody dry eyes r darn irritating. im damn cold. i just wanna go home. another 30 mins more to go. *sigh* k im done. yay. bye.

Alritey now..after a few mnths of hiatus finally im back! not dat any1 cares..*sigh* Anyway..im only updating this blog out of pure BOREDOM!! Right! im at work now..where? somewhere in bugis..at a lawfirm..which name i dun wanna mention..hahahaha..and also im updating this coz someone *cough*ima*cough* has asked me to update mine while hers i think..has collected tons and tons of dust, not to mention spiderwebs somewhere..*sigh*

nothing to do...nothing to do..counting down till lunch time..*sigh* hopefully by then time will pass by much faster..good thing it's friday today..TGIF!!! 2 days of waking up late! hurray! but i doubt i can sleep in late dis weekend..gotta wake up early..clean the hse..get ready for raya outings wif family..(hey no complains bout that!) oh yeah! speaking of raya..wanna wish all my frens, and whoever reading this a SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI! maaf zahir dan batin.

time check: 12.25pm..20 more mins till lunch time *sigh*

k peeps..i have nothing more to say. that'll be all. thank you.

Currently Listening: I'm Shaking - Rooney

I had a great time chilling out with my old frens frm pri sch yesterday. meeting time was at 6pm..but miss-forever-am-late here reached cityhall at 6.20pm...muahahaha..k im soo bad! well at least im not the last one to arrived ;)

so once faizah arrived we went off for dinner...BUT before we went off to eat, i suggested that we should watch a movie..to be exact harry potter...BUT faizah suggested that i MUST watch Transformers which she define as 'THE MOVIE' of the yr! hahahahaha..well apparently the other 2 ladies have already watched transformers and they said it was A.W.E.S.O.M.E..ok me being the odd one out gave in. soooo...delaying our dinner for abit we went to Gv to catch out the timings..BUT..to my dismay..both transformers and harry potter tix were sold out! :( man was i dissapointed! we checked at other outlets but the only timing left was at 10pm..*sigh* sooo..feeling slightly dejected we went off to eat.

after dinner..we went out frm marina square and guess wat i saw?......i saw fireworks!! *whooppie!!* at last! ive been waiting to catch the sight of fireworks since my last outing with my poly mates! hahaha..(well according to someone..*cough-ima-cough*they will be previewing fireworks later that nite..and sooo..we sat at esplanade and waited..and waited..and waited till 9.30pm but there's not a single fireworks in sight! hahaha thanx ya ima! *winks*) rite..back to yesterday..man the fireworks was exceptional!! brilliant!!

after the fireworks, ummairah suggested we sat at the same spot we saw the fireworks..and so we did. we sat at a corner and just reminisce about our primary sch life. how naive and childish we were bck than n how much we've changed. im really glad i got to spent some quality time with my primary sch mates..the fact that we still keep in touch with each other makes me really happy :D hey girls..hope to cya all soon! you guys still have to drag me go watch transformers! lol

aite! i'll end my post for now. sayonara!

This Time Imperfect - AFI

I cannot leave here. I cannot stay.

Forever hunted, more than afraid.

Asphyxiate on words I would say.

I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.

There are no flowers, no, not this time.

There will be no angles gracing the lines, just these stark words i find.

I'd show a smile but im too weak.

I'd share with you, could i only speak, just how much this hurts me.

I cannot stay here. I cannot leave.

Just like all i loved, I'm make believe.

Imagined heart, I disappear.

Seems no one will appear here and make me real.

I'll tell you how it haunts me...

Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams

You don't care that it haunts me

---------------------------------------------------------------------

one of my fav songs from afi...enjoy!

it's 2.39am now and im still up. today's my graduation ceremony...cant wait for dat! yesterday was moi bufday..happy belated bufday to me! got a very cute, adorable pressie frm mum, sis n bro..and a very pretty, yummylicious tree frm me dearest bestfren, syaf! also my uncle frm england managed to sent me a bufday card right on the day itself! thank u sooooooooooo much guys for the presents! i really love! love! love! it! and thanks to everyone who wished me! :D speaking of wishes, i received an unexpected bufday greeting frm a certain someone whom i never heard frm for a very long time. i never received bufday wishes from him for the past 7 years that we've known each other...till recently...hmm..i guess being 21 is an important ordeal in everyone's life..nonetheless thank you!

well...had a pretty gd weekend last sunday...went to Bukit Timah to hike wif syaf and her parents...it was great! love it! (cant wait for the cycling trip to ubin dis coming june!) we went to Botanic garden soon after dat (for lunch) and i have to say, the place is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l! its been a loooong time since ive last went there...so much has changed! its a nice, peaceful place fill with colourful flowers and beatiful landscape. i love it there! a nice place to relax and chill...hey buddy..lemme knoe if you're going there again aite! ;)

man oh man...its 3am now...time for me to hit the sack! will write again wen im in the mood...till then adios!

ahhh...isnt it nostalgic to listen back to all those casette tapes which are full of old songs that you've recorded while doing your homework during your precious secondary school days...rite now im listening to my special angel by....??? sori cant recall whose the singer was...but its a very pleasant song...calm and sweeet...

oh hey hey hey! what do ya knoe...ac milan kick manU arse!! weeeeeeee! eat that you manU fans!! what i tell ya...ac will def win! 5-3 baby!! so now...the finals...ac milan vs liverpool...oooo...me against me bro...tis will be interesting...should i go over to my bro's house and watch it with him? hmmm....im considering...BUT it'll prob be in the early morn...i dun wanna sleep over there...haizzzz...troublesome if one do not have sports channel...dammit! oh well..i'll think over it...

my prediction? duh! of course ac WILL win! they better!! with kaka, pirlo, maldini, nesta, lil gattuso...they're unstoppable! though liverpool fans will def disagree with me...wth! oh well...i'll stop here for now...ciao!