this moody, depressing feelings have been egging me lately. i really hate these feelings but am not able to shake it off. quite frustrating really.

so much things has been playing in this head of mind. the most common thing that keeps poping up is work. not just any work but to work overseas. to beak out from comfort zone. to work in a different, exciting, foreign surroundings. sounds thrilling no? however, reality check! i need to get a degree before i can make this dream into a reality. so, yeah my concern as of now is to get a d.e.g.r.e.e. hopefully finance will no longer be an issue in the not-too-distant future. it'll def sucks if theres still hiccup here and there and i'll need to postpone my dream even further.

Target goal: 5 yrs

will things finally start to change come next mnth? will the wheels start to turn? i hope so. i really do.

I've learnt alot from living this way. but i hope that things will slowly starts to improve from here on.

no more constant worries. hopefully things will improve. that's my only wish for this year.

have you ever wish or thought of leaving everything behind to travel and work in a foreign land for about a year to experience what its like to live independently....? a far fetched goal? Hmm....

there's numbness and frustration behind this fake smile. hoping for a better future ahead. May 2011 bring more happiness and meaningness to this hollow and unfulfill life.

Exhausted. sick. restless. irritated. frustrated.

did i deserve to be surround by such great and wonderful friends?

"what is this miserable feeling?"

i.miss.my.friend.

Okaeri by Ayaka
(English translation by: crystalise)


On the way to my sweet home, I can already hear the words, “You’re home!”
I am returning to the place that gave me the love that I am so thankful for.

Blotting out my sadness and painting a smile on my face,
I pretend as if everything is alright.
I admit that although I can understand the importance of belief,
It is in the most critical of moments that I doubt myself.

And though this empty body of mine seems to
Almost float through the passage of time,
There is this feeling that always carries me forward:
The feeling of longing to hold you in my arms.

Before I could even say, “I’m home!” I could already hear, “You’re back!”
Those very words are enough to cause my heart to brim over.
Returning to my sweet home, I could already hear the words, “You’re home!”
I am returning to the place that blessed me with a love that I am forever grateful for:
My sweet home.

I truly believe that those
Who only keep their own interests at heart are characters of deceit;
But I also know that there are those
Who are desperately crying out for change.

Because of you, I have come to appreciate that
There is no such thing as an ordinary happiness in this world...
And it is this knowledge that continues to drive me forward.

Before I could even call out, “I’m home!” I can already hear, “You’re back!”
In this continued acceleration of everyday life...
I could hear the words, “You’re home!” echoing from my sweet home,
And therein lays a scene that remains eternally unchanging,
There in my sweet home.

Having searched and having lost,
There are emotional wounds that I have to face.
It was in the power of those simple words
That I drew my strength: the words, “You’re home.”

Already I can hear them say, “You’re back!” Before I could enter, “I’m home!”
Indeed, their words are more than enough to fill my heart over.
Returning to the sweetness of home, I can already hear, “You’re home!”
I’m heading back to the place where I owe my debt of gratitude for the love it bestowed
upon me:
My sweet home.

I can already hear the words, “You’re home!” As I dream of replying, “I’m home!”
Everything is truly alright now because you are there.
On my way home, I could already hear the words, “You’re back!”
Wait for me, I’ll be soon arriving,
My sweet, sweet home.

A beautifully written song by the talented Japanese singer, Lida Ayaka.